cyberkinetical

Following failure, one must stand up again. Brush off that dirt off your shoulder, and look forward to a new beginning.

I feel like I’m on a tightrope these days, constantly seeking balance to find “my center”. Sometimes I feel like I’m lost, emotionally disoriented, and unable or unwilling to integrate my sense of being with some very congruent and obvious facts of life. (I mean facts as in both facts of my life, as well as facts of life in general).

It feels like a struggle, but part of me knows it’s not. While it sounds to simple to actually do, I keep hesitating on doing the right thing, the obvious thing.

So, I feel like I’m on a tightrope. Any acrobats around? I gotta walk to the other side, or learn how I can do a Scottish jig on the damn thing.

Hate it.

Gotta keep poking that head out there into the wild though. Pain in the ass.

Gotta keep going till I succeed.

Gotta keep getting up again.

Gotta bear the pain.

Gotta suck it up.

Gotta be a man.

Make sure you’re constantly experiencing little adventures in your life.

Wish I had more time to relax proper. Or maybe I just wish I had more efficiency while relaxing.

Either way, time for a round-2. Gotta get my mind in the game, up the difficulty or pain a notch.

I’d rather not miss out on any more awesome opportunities.

Must plow through.

From Reddit

I leave Sisyphus at the foot of the mountain! One always finds one’s burden again. But Sisyphus teaches the higher fidelity that negates the gods and raises rocks. He too concludes that all is well. This universe henceforth without a master seems to him neither sterile nor futile. Each atom of that stone, each mineral flake of that night filled mountain, in itself forms a world. The struggle itself toward the heights is enough to fill a man’s heart. One must imagine Sisyphus happy.

Fuck it all, try harder, be happier, figure shit out. Stop being ridiculous. Realize, how ridiculous it is to be stuck depressed and keep going.

I was afraid that as time passed, as wounds healed that I would forget the emotions, the pain and the lessons “learnt” over the last month. Simply said, last week was actually quite blissful, serene almost, and pretty easy going despite everything happening. I’ve made some progress with moving forward, and some interesting developments have been happening by pure chance, but I just keep wondering…

Well, that bliss was shattered in an instant just a moment ago. It’s nothing new, but I’m still surprised by how easy it was, and what the pain felt like. Hopefully it’s just 2 steps forward, 1 step back.

Oh, and I need to reinspect the source of my drive. Clearly it’s not as well-intentioned as I hoped it to be… this will need some tweaking. Emotional Temperance! That’s what I seek. Time to find the anvil and strike while it’s hot.

Back to the drawing board.

I remember when I first read a book called Kayak. It alternated between the perspectives of the two protagonists between two chapters. At first I was simply confused. Then I was able to figure it out. “Stupid, silly, weird” I thought… I tried reading every other chapter instead, tried thinking about why the author tried such a unconventional method… In the end I just gave up and read the damn book and enjoyed it…

Obviously this “technique” is used by many… I just needed my mind blown, My education on writing styles and devices. Thank god for that.

Taking a shot at The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo… Guess what’s happening in just about every chapter?

Just gotta keep up with the times and learn more about the world. Sure “progress depends on the irrational”, but irrationality is different from ignorance.

“It’s a hip-hop world out there son, gotta keep up”

NINJA Addedum:

“The loudest duck gets shot” is a Chinese proverb. “The nail that sticks out gets hammered down” is a Japanese one. Its Western correlative: “The squeaky wheel gets the grease.”

Totally seperate post in terms of tone and thinking (emotion), but it fits under perspective so well.

Feels like a free day’s been given to us. How will you spend your day?

Thoughts so far…

Maintain my essence of self. Consider the source of all advice, the meaning and the impact of everything regardless of intent. Move forward, but on your own path. Be happy(?)

Shades of Grey. It’s not just a number, not just right or wrong, even deconstructed there are underlying meanings to consider that you cannot simplify with analysis.

Shatter thy ego. Don’t forget what’s really important, what really matters. Chip it down and regrow it to something better. Don’t worry about that pain, it’s just peas. Failure is part of the learning process.

Enjoy your youth, and don’t worry about understanding these things. That understanding will come with time.

Just want to move onto the next step. Especially since there’s so little time… but still, I guess some things I just have to wait for its time. Until then, just make do with what you have, and try to pick up a few things.