Almost 3 years later

I dug myself out of a hole, only to fall back into a new ditch I probably should’ve been jumping over (or burying?) all this time.

I don’t believe it myself yet subconsciously, but the only thing to do is to move forward. Even if it means taking a step back first.

Motivation and Power

In a few weeks, I’ll be the only one left @ the NIA. Many of my good friends will begin their next phase in their lives. It’ll be interesting to see how things turn out, as time moves on after all. However, having to acknowledge that a significant portion of my “support structure” throughout the previous incident will no longer be around… is a little disappointing.

Still, maybe there’ll be a silver lining somewhere. And speaking of which, I desperately need to hustle to make sure I can move on to my next phase with minimum hassle as well, Carpe diem.

Speaking of clouds, it’s burning hot and after what must be a week and a half of non-stop sun burnination and stupidity (hint: government and NIA involved, da?) it’s pouring thunderstorms.

It’s also been a while since contact, guess a month prior an incident must have slapped some… “sense?” into the dynamics of what was left between us. To be frank I still have no idea why the other guy has jealousy issues. Makes things easier for me though, although it also saddens me to lose out on a very good friend.

Oh, and someone buy me a bucket of motivation, with a side of power. Mine’s being melted by the summer heat hahaha.

Never knew I could be this needy

Weird introspective thought.

Must learn outcome independence!

Botched my planning on not having to work this week. On the other hand, this has been a really therapeutic morning. I need to immerse myself in more chill spaces like this on a more regular basis.

Just this

Beautiful.

http://www.zenmoments.org/the-cab-ride-ill-never-forget/

Emotional Tempering

Alright, round 3 of emo crap.

Still think about her way too often, way too much. I’m starting to think I’m masochistic or something.

I guess what I’m in dire need of is some proper emotional tempering. I mean, if logically everything is sound and works out, then what’s up with the emotional crap I keep putting myself through? The woman’s bloody engaged FFS!?! I need to move on… bad. It’s already been 2 months since the break up. 1 ~ 2 weeks since no talking and I’m relapsing into some crappy doggy bowl pining mode inside.

Talk about out-of-state.

Sidenote: Avengers tonight!

Letting go

A lifetime of “experience” and knowledge would have never prepared me still for the conecept of “letting go”. Why is it so hard?

And I’m just dealing with the carrots and peas of the whole affair, what if I get the big kahuna?

Friggin’ A.

Time flies

I find it ironic that a few days ago I was actually wallowing in the concept of boredom or a lack of specific things to do in a timely manner, to only be struck with a sense of “goddamnit, time does fly.” This moment slammed down on me after discovering Devil Survivor 2 was released Feb 28. I remember anticipating this game for ages. Who knew it has already been almost 2 months since its release?

Took advantage of the 3 day weekend to get some shopping done with a friend. Switching a sense of style is a weird thing. We’ll see if it’s for the better or not in the near future. Unfortunately I had to work Saturday/Sunday which means Monday now feels like a Wednesday, ha.

Holidays

Alright, vacation!

Final score on the exam. 155/157. Acceptable. Gonna take it again. Funny I got pretty much the same score as my friend did, and she only spent a few weekends of a month studying for it lol.

Apparently I only write when I’m nervous, or when I’m thinking negatively. Wonder if I can change that in the near future.

Vacations sure are nice when they’re lazy though…. can’t argue against that.

GRE T -2

Studies are going along juuuuust GRRREEEAA-T.

Ok, not really. But hopefully I won’t panick tomorrow. I only have 1 more day after tonight. Just stick to the exercises and try to keep a clear head tomorrow.

Sidebar: Lots of engagements and marriages happening this year. Whoop whoop. Also a small hint of jealousy. Also a new favorite time waster. Answering silly questions on okcupid.

The new word is discovery. Self discovery, future discovery, land discovery, culture discovery.

Also the new Avatar/Airbender series (Legend of Korra) is amazing. Pity the movie sucked.

Timeout

A quick break from everything.

I’ve scheduled a good number of days off, so I can better prepare for the exam. A nice change of pace should help me  … ease in and out of things a little.

Dad came back unexpectantly, didn’t say that much. I think for him not much needed to be said. No wonder I’ve always been quiet growing up. His method has always been just to let peace flow through. Odd that it seems to be his element. Mom’s the same, cooking and working to no end just so things are ok in her eyes. Parents fly out tonight.

Wonder if freedom will be a welcome thing, or if the loneliness will settle back in. Still get into little verbal matches with mom, but it’s no big deal. At least she’s learned to control her anger a little. I think I need to learn to manipulate mine a bit more. It should be a useful tool if done correctly, otherwise it accomplishes nothing and only sabotages my own self progress.

Still needlessly think about that damn girl. That’s the confusing part. At least I’m enjoying other aspects of life almost as much as before. Hopefully more than before.

I’ve decided to look into Carnegie’s programs. I really like the idea of being able to study there. Gotta find some more recommendations to shine though. Maybe I can put in some requests for a piece from one of the ranking officers for an English recommendation.

That reminds me, after this exam is out of the way I’ll need to pay a visit to David. Get those entrepreneurial juices flowing again.

A side note. I’ve begun to notice that things are a little political no matter what. The Machiavellian aspect of everyone shines everywhere. Should read up more on it in the near future. Could use a few more weapons in life 🙂

Who doesn’t like to go to war? (Ok, actual war is really terrible but conceptually it’s glorified as hell).

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